Thursday, September 16, 2010
The Wacky Misadventures of Four Romance Writers Run Amuck
WARNING: This post breaks most of the writing rules, lol.
Penny, Cindy, Brenda, and Tabby, gazed past the brick wall into the thick forest beyond. Fir and cedar trees towered over them, lining both sides of a gravel path. Branches interlocked to form a canopy overhead, allowing only intermittent patches of blue sky to peek through the tightly woven cover. What little light penetrated the needles struggled to reach the forest floor.
The four women glanced to their right, then left. Odd trails, possibly made by animals or other writers who came before them, meandered past the wide tree trunks in all directions, only to be swallowed up by the gloom. A feeling of danger permeated the heavy air.
Penny shouldered her large purple backpack and walked to the beginning of the rocky passageway. She stopped. “Did any of you think to bring a flashlight?”
“No,” Cindy said as she took a step back.
“Figures.” Penny turned to the group. “We need some light.”
Brenda laid a soothing hand on Cindy’s arm. “Hey, if we’d have known we were going to be roaming through the lost freaking woods, we’d have brought a damn flashlight.”
Tabby brushed past Brenda and Cindy. One of her white feathered angel wings skimmed Cindy’s cheek, and her halo made from green Christmas garland, bounced with her quick stride. She stood beside Penny and pointed to a wooden sign. “It says, follow path to unblock writer’s block.”
The group stared at the sign.
“Do we have to go in there? It’s so dark,” Cindy stated.
Penny jerked her thumb toward Cindy’s rhinestone studded belt. “What’s that?”
Cindy unhooked a plastic sword from her belt. “It’s my light saber.” She pushed a button and the sword let off a blue glow.
As Penny reached for the light saber, she said, “That’ll have to do.”
“It’s mine.” Cindy hid it behind her back.
“Fine. You go first then.” Penny moved to the side, giving Cindy a better view of the sinister woods.
Cindy tossed the sword to Penny.
As they made their way, Cindy whispered to Tabby, “What is this place?”
“I think this is Writer’s Block Woods. I’ve heard of it, but I thought it was only a legend.”
“I’ve heard tons of writers have lost their sanity in here,” Brenda said. “I wonder if their minds are still floating around, waiting for unsuspecting victims.”
Cindy covered her mouth, stifling a scream. The silver glittery balls held up by pink pipe cleaners, swayed above her head.
Brenda held her Dracula cape out to the side and opened her mouth to show off her set of dollar store plastic fangs. They fell out. She quickly picked them up and put them back in. “Maybe the lost minds will try to suck out your brain.”
Cindy’s body, clad in a silver jumper, trembled. “Do you think they could?”
Tabby shoved Brenda. White feathers from her angel wings fluttered to the ground. “Stop scaring her.”
“Will you idiots hurry up,” Penny called. “Unless you want to be left behind.”
The three caught up and they continued on with the journey.
After walking a short distance, the foursome stopped.
Tabby glanced around. She noticed a dark shape slumped against a mossy tree trunk beside the gravel lane. “What’s that?”
They stepped closer.
Cindy screamed and covered her eyes.
The shape was a mummified woman wearing a moldy yellow sweater and dirt encrusted tan slacks. Her skin looked like dried leather, shrunken to her bones. Moss grew around the black eye sockets. Boney hands lay in her lap with her fingers curled into balls. Sticking out from between her fingers were long strands of blond hair—the same color as the hair on her head. Bald patches showed against the dried scalp.
Brenda glanced at Tabby. “Yikes.”
Tabby gingerly touched the bald spot on the back of her own head, and then ran her fingers through the brunette strands, pulling out a clump. Her wide eyes filled with panic. “Oh shit.”
“What . . . what do you think happened to her?” Cindy asked as she peeked through her fingers.
Penny knelt beside the corpse and rummaged through her backpack. “Pretty obvious. She got lost in Writer’s Block Woods and couldn’t find her way out.” She pulled out a silver hat with red and green flashing lights on the rim and placed it over her dark hair.
Brenda laughed. “What the hell is that?”
“It’s my thinking cap.”
Tabby and Brenda laughed so hard tears streamed down their cheeks.
Penny narrowed her eyes. “Are two fools done?”
They wiped the mascara from under their eyes and nodded.
“We should move on.” Penny hoisted up her pack. “I have a bad—“
A menacing growl filled the eerie woods.
Cindy squeaked and grabbed Tabby’s arm, almost knocking them both to the ground. Cindy peered over Tabby’s shoulders. “What was that?”
The growl sounded again. The hair on all four women stood on end as if a static charge had surged through them.
Penny stepped forward. “I’ve no clue, but we should check it out. But stay quiet.”
Tabby grasped Penny’s arm and jerked her to a stop. “Are you insane?”
Cindy sunk to her knees, mumbling something about kittens and butterflies.
“You want to get over your writer’s block, don’t you?” Penny asked.
“Yeah, but I can’t write if I’m dead!”
Brenda drew her cape around her. “Yeah, maybe we should head back.”
Penny walked ahead. “Just know if you turn back now, you’ll never get over your writer’s block.”
Looking at each other, Tabby and Brenda knew Penny spoke the truth. They reached down and helped Cindy to her feet.
Cindy stumbled away from them. “Please tell me we’re going back. I don’t want to know what made that sound.”
“Come on,” Tabby murmured. “We have to keep going.”
The four women continued down the trail. They came to a deep bend, stopped for a moment to gather their courage, and then slowly trudged onward. When they rounded the corner, they halted once more.
Stretched across the path was a large deadfall, and sitting on top was the largest bear any of them had ever seen. Blue ribbons of electricity wormed through the bear’s silky brown fur like snakes. The bear turned its enormous head toward the women, electricity snapped and crackled with its movements.
The scent of ozone clung heavy in the air. The taste tingled on the women’s tongues.
Penny cleared her throat. “We’re looking for the way out of this forest. Can you help us?”
The bear lifted a massive paw and inspected its razor sharp claws. “It’s back the way ya came.”
“Begging your pardon, but no it isn’t. We just want to get to the other side.”
The bear growled a deep sound that rumbled the ground beneath their feet. Its red eyes narrowed to deadly slits. “This is my last warning, turn back.”
The women huddled together.
“Now what?” Brenda whispered.
Penny thought for a second. “Maybe your characters can help.”
Tabby smiled and nodded. “Craigen, we need your help.” A dark, sexy angel materialized beside her. He stretched large white wings above his head, flapped them twice, then folded them over his back. His white robes shimmered in the dim light.
“Mel, we could use your strength,” Brenda said. Beside her, a tall vampire appeared. His shaggy black hair reached his broad shoulders. His cunning silver eyes turned serious as he gazed at the bear.
For the first time since they passed the brick wall, Cindy laughed. “Andros, help us please. Oh, and bring the biggest gun you have.” The sexiest alien alive took shape behind her. His orange tinted skin enhanced his dark hair and rich mysterious eyes. In his hands he held a futuristic gun the length of his muscular arms. The barrel was clear, showing the inner workings. The words, Wunderwaffa, DG2 were stamped on the side.
The bear roared with laughter as its red gaze took in Craigen and Mel. “Oh, this is just perfect. You two answer to the God of light, while I answer to the God of darkness. You both have no power here. This forest is made up of my master’s emotions: fear, doubt, and despair.” The bear inhaled. “Ahhh, the air is ripe with it.”
Craigen’s face blanched. He turned to Mel. “He’s right. Our powers won’t work in this evil place.”
Mel’s brows lower. “Shit.” He glanced at the women. “Sorry, ladies, but there’s nothing we can do. This is your battle to either win or lose.”
“Well, then, it’s up to my Andros.” Cindy hugged him around his waist then stepped back. “Blast that bear to smithereens.”
Andros pulled an energy cell from his pocket and screwed it into the top of his gun like a light bulb, then flicked a switch. Blue electricity course through the barrel. He raised the gun and pointed it at the bear. “Say goodnight, Johnboy.”
The bear stood on its hind legs and spread its paws wide. “Go ahead. Shoot me. I’ll absorb the energy and become even stronger.”
Just before Andros pulled the trigger, a dark haired, sexy human man materialized beside Penny. “Stop,” he shouted.
Andros lowered the gun. “Why?”
Raef addressed the group. “Think for a second. The bear seems to be made of electricity so it won’t hurt it.”
Brenda smacked her forehead. “That’s right. Like an electric type pokemon, electricity won’t work.”
Raef frowned. “Ah, yeah, something like that.”
“A water type pokemon would.” Brenda looked around. “But we don’t have one—I mean any water.”
Raef gave Penny a sideways glance and smiled.
Penny smiled back and reached into her pack and pulled out a super soaker.
The smug look on the bear’s face faltered. “You wouldn’t dare.”
“Oh, wouldn’t I?” She aimed her water gun and pulled the trigger, shooting out a powerful stream of water.
The liquid hit the bear between the eyes. Its body jerked and did the funky chicken as water and electricity mixed. The men grabbed the women and pulled them to the ground as the bear exploded in a shower of sparks.
When it was over they all stood.
Penny placed her gun back in her pack and zipped it up. “Thanks Raef.”
“Don’t mention it,” he replied. “Call if you need me.” He disappeared.
Andros looked at Cindy and touched one of her glittering balls. “What the hell are you wearing?”
Cindy smoothed her hands over her silver jumper. “It’s my space suit. All people in space wear this.”
“If you ever dress me in something like that, you’ll have writer’s block for eternity.” Andros disappeared.
Mel kissed Brenda’s cheek. “Until we meet again.” He vanished.
Tabby hugged Craigen before he too vanished.
Brenda walked over to Penny. “Hey, Troll. How come you packed a water gun, but not a flashlight?”
Penny laughed. “I’m not sure.” She adjusted her thinking cap. “We should get a move on,”
The women climbed over the large deadfall and continued with their journey.
To be continued . . .
Come back for part three written by Cindy Pahl on Tues. the 21st.
By Brenda Dyer