Sunday, January 9, 2011

Possibly Impossible

In January, many bloggers write about New Year's resolutions. They write about how to make said promises and which ones to stay clear of for sanity's sake. They'll blog about their own resolution list and the why's of it all.

Not me, though. Sorry. I strive to be different – but not difficult, mind you.

Christmas eve, I lay snuggled up to my husband in bed, tucked up against his side with my cheek on his chest and wrapped up in his big arms. Offshore there's a storm brewing so the wind is picking up and blowing the dead leaves around outside. All very romantic, cuddly type of stuff.

As usual, he falls asleep before I do. Probably because I drink more coffee than him. Just as I begin to drift off however, he rolls towards me and takes my chest pillow and source of warmth with him. Worse, his knee comes up and plows into my belly, pushing me away.

He's sleeping. He doesn't understand what he's doing and he doesn't do it on purpose.

Safely entrenched on my side of our king-size bed, I lay there and wondered how on Earth those romance book heroines can sleep all night plastered against their man. Those handsome, virile men don't push their delectable women away to spread out in skydiver positions.

I have bionic hearing at night. My power came into focus after I had my first baby. Sound asleep, I know who's gotten up at midnight and used the bathroom. I can hear our dogs out back and can tell which of the six is causing the ruckus.

So why is it the heroine will awaken, only to find herself—by some bizarre twist of fate—flung across the hero's body, never having stirred during all that body movement?

They can make love in the morning. Neither one ever has to use the bathroom first. Oh! The joys of not having morning breath either.

Gotta love fiction and the impossible possibilities! What have you tried or experienced that worked in novels but not in reality?

21 comments:

Stacy said...

This is hilarious and oh so true. Don't even get me started on the sexual positions heroes and heroines make seem easy as pie. They all must be retired cirque de soleil acrobats, lol.

Brenda said...

I second what Stacy said. LOL, I've always wondered how the hero and heroine can kiss in the morning--and not just a little kiss, but a wide mouthed-tongue-action kiss without fainting from the bad breath smell.
And as soon as my eyes open in the morning, I need to use the bathroom. Also, my husband sweats while he sleeps and rolls around, so most of the night I stay as far away from him as I can. Oh, and he snores like a bear which drives me NUTS!!!!
Great post!

Ginny said...

LMAO Great post. I think it is different once you've had kids. I'm the same way now. I hear every little thing. I do remember those nights where we'd wake up at the same time in the middle of the night and just turn to each other and start having sex, and then do it again as soon as we woke up in the morning - but we were much younger back then. LOL I guess the urge for sex back then was stronger than anything else. Now rather than one of us nudging the other to initiate sex, it's a nudge to quit the damn snoring. LOL

D'Ann said...

Those are good ones, but my personal faves are always horse related. Rearing, screaming stallions, horses that run for miles and never get winded. and my absolute fave, the double rider that puts on undue stress on a horse's kidneys. Any of these are wall bangers for me.

Trish said...

Mika,

This is great and oh so true. lol
There are tons of things in romances that wouldn't play out for me in real life. Including Alpha heroes. I love reading and writing Alpha heroes. However, I think they'd be a serious pita to live with in real life. And then there's where my characters make love. In the current WIP, they make love in a supply closet at a hospital.

Yeah, that would so NOT happen with me. lol

the1940mysterywriter said...

And they never make a sound, no matter where they are. No one ever opens the supply closet door in the hospital to figure out what the hell is making that banging noise, and no one in the next apartment ever knocks on the wall.

Nina Pierce said...

LOL! I laughed at all the comments because they're all true. But romance is about the fantasy. And isn't all sex in books perfect because we don't want to think about the bad breath and the wet spot or the used condom? *vbg* Um, yeah, sorta takes the fun out of it. Great post.

Trish said...

1940 mystery,

Your comment had me ROTFLMAO, and reminded me of a funny story.

Six years ago or so I picked up a show puppy from a really late flight from Seattle SeaTac airport. And I didn't want to drive home, so I stayed in a motel for the night with the puppy.

The desk attendant put me at the very back of the motel, because he said no one was staying back there, and if the pup barked it wouldn't disturb anyone. Only apparently someone else put another couple right next to us. During the middle of the night this couple starts banging away. Lot of bang. bang. bang. Moaning. shrieks of ectasy. And the pup bounces up- starts at the wall.

And just starts in with this
barrrbarrrrbarrrrrrrbarrrrrrbarrrrr

braking as loud as she could. The banging stops in mid-bang. And I hear this male voice. "son-of-a bitch"

And this mortified female voice says. "sorry. Nobody else was supposed to be back here."

They didn't make another sound all night.

hahahahhahahahahahahahaha

Brenda said...

Trish, LOL!!! That was funny!

Sheri Fredricks said...

Stacy - The sexual positions are always a crack up. Unless the man is a body builder, holding a gal up against the wall is ne'er impossible! Uh...not that my husband and I have ever tried that... Thanks for your comment!

Sheri Fredricks said...

Brendan, I thought I was sleeping with the only sweaty bear along the Pacific Coast! How about when they turn toward you, and then breathe in your face. LOL!! Thanks for stopping by! ~Mike~

Sheri Fredricks said...

Ginny, do you use the finger poke to stop the snoring, or the full hand shove? LOL Thanks for your comment!

Sheri Fredricks said...

D'Ann, I've read some real hum-dingers that were horse related. For instance the couple who makes love...in the saddle! LOL!! Can you imagine any horse putting up with that?? Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

Sheri Fredricks said...

Trish, I'm married to an alpha male. There are days it's tough to be me. LOL! The supply closet...now how would they keep housekeeping from walking in on them? Did Luck lock the door? See - impossible possibilities! Thank you for commenting!

Sheri Fredricks said...

1940 Myster, Thank you for stopping by. You bring up valid points!

Sheri Fredricks said...

Nina - The wet spot! ROFL!! Yeah, how come THAT isn't mentioned in these steamy romances! Thank you for your comment! Stop by again soon.

Zee Monodee said...

Lol. I'm married to an ultimate Alpha too, and while they're all hero like in books, in real life they're heroes, yes, but also major PITAs!

Oh, other lol - the woman against the wall is doable, but no one ever talks of rug burn on your back when the couple gets overeager on a shag rug or the carpet.

And hair is never out of place when these gals wake up (while mine, a Halle Berry do, resembles a bird's nest when I wake up!)

Penelope said...

I sleep with the SnoreMaster. I've been known to sleep much of the night with my elbow planted securely under his chin. (to keep his mouth shut and minimize the snoring) And while this is not a romantic position, by far, I do think it is kind of romantic that I love him enough to put up with such non-fictional behavior. And he loves me enough to not steal my covers. :)

Sheri Fredricks said...

Zee - I thought about the rug burns and realized that those can happen on the knees too! *wink-wink*

Penny - You've raised the bar on true love. Any woman who'd elbow a man in the jaw for his own benefit wins a place in my heart.

Loved your comments you two!

Martha Ramirez said...

Leave it to Sheri to write up another fabulous and thought-provoking post. Keep 'em coming giel!

Sheri Fredricks said...

Hi Mart - Thank you for stopping by! I know how busy you've been with your own blog site so seeing you here makes it special.