Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The Myth (And Reality) Of A Writer

Howdy, all!

Since the property damage from my last visit was so minimal, Tabitha graciously invited me back for another round! And, since I'm getting to know everyone, I wanted to take a little time and tell you what my "typical" writer's life looks like.

I get up bright and early at 5:30 every morning, to the sounds of birds chirping and the last of the nighttime crickets peeping. I bound out of bed, ready to start my day, jump in the shower, pour a cup of coffee, and sit down at my massive Louis Quinze desk. I spend a few leisurely moments catching up on the news and reading email, and then I start working, to the gentle strains of Mozart and Beethoven, while the sun rises gently in the east, welcoming me to the new day.
After a couple of hours, I'll have a nice breakfast and get back to work, where I'll be until lunchtime. .

*Record scratch sound effect*

Myth #1: I'm not a crack of dawn type of guy. The crack of noon's more my speed! Luckily, I work from home both at my day job and on my writing.
Myth #2: The early bird gets the worm, In my case, the early bird conjures dark fantasies of light-load shotgun shells. (No, I don't act on these. But this may become important in an upcoming WIP, and yes, there will be a quiz.)
Myth #3: I don't leap. At all. Ever. I'm not a freaking ninja and I'm not built for that. To say that I groggily stumble out of bed is much more accurate.

Myth #4: I shower when I have ten minutes to get ready. Otherwise, I rinse off the dirt and then settle into a steamy bath, where I'll be with my latest TBR project until the water starts to get cold.
Myth#5: Now that I'm ready to start my day, I grab a two-liter of Mountain Dew, a full pack of cigarettes, and a clean ashtray. The full items will be empty and the empty items full long before I get done with my day's work.
Myth #6: My desk cost me $20 at Wal-Mart.

Myth #7: "Leisurely" doesn't exist in my world or my vocabulary until the work is done. If I'm working on LESS than four things at any given time, someone's liable to ask me if I'm feeling okay. Multitasking is the only conceivable way I can get everything done that I need to!
Myth #8: I never watch the news. Least of all upon waking. If I want to be depressed or need proof that Darwin was right, then I'll look it over. Otherwise, my TV is very rarely on.
Myth #9: You will NEVER find the "classics" on my playlist. Substitute Metallica for Mozart and Black Sabbath for Beethoven and you're closer to the truth, with a liberal sprinkling of Tupac, LL Cool J, Paula Cole, and Melissa Etheridge.
Myth #10: If I'm seeing sunrise, you can bet I'm coming at it from the other side of midnight unless I'm sick, and I've probably been around the clock at least once already.
Myth #11: I eat once a day, and exercise for me constitutes getting into the car and driving to get more smokes or Mountain Dew. My preferred meal is dinner, at which time I usually eat what amounts to breakfast in most civilized countries. (This is because my body has been trained to consider my one meal of the day the end of the day, and so after I eat I'm not much good for anything.)

Oh, yeah. It's a glamour job. :)
Thanks for coming by and hanging out. I'll see y'all next month! (But, if you haven't had enough snark yet, come on by http://www.nobleromance.com, where I'll be hanging out today too!)

Until next time,


J.S. Wayne


Doris O'Connor said...

Thanks J.S, I needed that giggle as I'm grasping my coffee and trying to wake up. So not a morning person here. However, having a brand new baby means I am far too often up at the crack of dawn *yawn* but am more likely to bite the kids heads off than to appreciate the sunrise ;-)

kbcutter said...

Quite amusing, JS! The idyllic life of a writer is rarely....uh..idyllic if you live in the real world!

Michelle said...

LoL. Loved the Myth corrections. Got by late but glad I didn't miss it.

sarahballance said...

LMFAO! (<<Okay, so no one really gets why, but that's okay. *giggle*)

Um, trade the cigarettes for six kids and the Mtn. Dew for Coke and this starts looking mighty familiar! ;c) Great post, LOL.

J.S. Wayne said...

For those of you with kids, I feel your pain. There's a perfectly good reason I haven't procreated yet, and it has nothing to do with money!
@Doris: Congratulations on the new arrival! Hopefully they'll sleep through the night in the next, erm, six to eight months :) Thanks for coming by!

@KB: LOL Right!?!? "Oh, you're a writer. Must be nice to be able to sit home and take it easy." Heh. If they ONLY knew... :)

@Michelle: Thanks for stopping over!

@Sarah: I even brought biscuits ;) I honestly don't know how you do it with six kids. I'd lose what little of my sanity I've been able to hold onto! Thanks for coming in :D

museampoule said...

Ha! I knew you were full of it from word one!!! You fib sir! The day you voluntarily see the proper side of sunrise is the day...nah, it'll never happen. You write, we read, we laugh! Good work.


J.S. Wayne said...

@ Renee: I DO NOT "FIB," Madam, and I'll see you at dawn with coffee and pistols for two! ;) Seriously, thanks for stopping in. All untrue statements contained herein are strictly for comedic effect :D

Brenda said...

LOL, loved your post. Made me laugh first thing in the morning--which I rarely do. I'm not a morning person. I can't even see straight until I've finished my first coffee.

J.S. Wayne said...

@ Brenda: LOL I heard that! I keep threatening to tattoo a warning label on myself: "If you don't see a cigarette or caffeine, DO NOT APPROACH!" :D

Sheri Fredricks said...

Hi J.S.~ I like your blog post! Reading it, I can hear the way you think and talk. Excellent!

Getting up in the morning doesn't constitute a morning person. I don't get my crap together until 2 cups of java and kids out the door.

Keep the great blogs coming!

J.S. Wayne said...

@ Sheri: Thanks so much for coming by! As long as y'all keep reading 'em, I'll keep writing 'em :D
If I had my way about it, I'd sleep until sundown, get up, start my day, and sack out around 10am. Too bad for me my day job doesn't operate on that schedule ;)

Tabitha Blake said...

I am with you on this one JS. I am a very crabby morning person. If you try to talk to me I am probably going to just give you a look like...really? You are actually going to talk to me at this early hour? My day starts preferably at around 10am. I write when my muse hits me and sometimes that is at 3am. I am like you I would rather pull an all nighter than get up early. LOL! I should have been a vampire. HeeHee!

J.S. Wayne said...

I don't even reach the level of Neanderthal until the caffeine jolt hits :) AND I bite, too.
Hmm...is that a coffin I see in the corner? They told me it was a daybed. Jerks. That's the last time I shop at Munster's Furniture and Crematorium, that's for sure!
OTOH...It IS kinda comfy... ;)

Zee Monodee said...

Lol! You know, I started reading this having no clue who was 'talking', and when I got to the Mountain Dew part, I was like 'this makes me think of JS, the MountainDew Junkie'. And lo and behold, would you believe it - there it was: your name signed!

Loved the post, and could do with the humour. :)

Big hugs, mate! You rock :) (and can you share some of the Mountain Dew...?)