Sunday, June 27, 2010

Adjectives writers should never use to describe genitalia...

First before I start, let me premise by saying that most of these are from old, very old...very, very old...pieces of work I have stuffed into a dark little corner of my attic...never to see the light of day again.... As an aspiring author, I have learned through trial and error...(the hard way) what adjectives work and ...gulp what doesn't... So as embarrassing as the following terms and examples are, I sacrifice my pride so that my fellow aspiring authors know:

Genitalia terminology authors should never ever, never ever, ever use,

Cock-pocket...oh yes people I am so guilty,  I once used this term thinking that it made the villain, a sleazy wise-guy type fellow, sound well...sleazy, According to a friend of mine who read the story it sounded like a microwave pastry....

Sweltering jewels...well, how else would one describe the male gonads on a hot mid July day, while receiving a blow-job...I was told that sweaty balls are NOT sexy...

Wirey-bush...OMG...is it me, or does this sound painful...Any one now how to trim one of those...hedge clippers maybe?

Flaming-Flesh Sword...In one of my very few attempts to write a historical/paranormal where the hero had a bright red penis, I used this term to describe it...Talk about smoking after sex...Ouch!

Her hairless clam...Oh man just slap me!

The tiny puckering hole...I don't know about this one, I was drinking unsweetened lemonade at the time...I think.

Made his nine inches of love-loaf rise... (?) huh?  I don't even think this story had anything related to baking in it.

....and my personal favorite...He rode her love-tunnel like a speeding locomotive... every time I think of this one I can't help but start singing, "everybody's doing the locomotion...c'mon do the locomotion..."  Yeah.

Please keep this list somewhere handy and remember to refer to it as often as possible...especially when you need a laugh.

Until next time...Keep writing, soar high and never give-up!

Emma

8 comments:

Brenda said...

This is the best blog post I have ever read! I'm still laughing. I can't stop.....LOL.....LOL....hold on...........wait, still laughing.......OMG, I CAN'T STOP! I'm going to pee my pants!.....okay, I'm back......nope.......okay, I'm done, laughing.
Like I said, this is the best post EVER!!!!

Emma Paul said...

Thanks Brenda, I am soooo ashamed of even claiming those....yet, I feel it is my duty to help other aspiring authors from diving into the abyss of hidious prose...

Ni

Brenda said...

LOL, hey, don't be ashamed. I have a ton of older romance novels gathering dust in my bedroom closet and some of the words they use to describe a mans weiner and a woman's...well, you know--hairless clam--wait, they are historical so they would have hair, so maybe hairy....LOL....okay.....lol....lol, now I'm laughing again.......................
Anyway, like I said, this is the BEST blog post I have ever read!!! I will remember this one forever

Charli Mac said...

Reading this blog I needed to google more. This site is unbelievable. Check it out. http://blog.rac.me.uk/2002/12/20/weird-female-genitalia/

Charli Mac said...

There is more! And for the record the number of words for the one eyed monster, down right sexist there are so many. A 172 nicknames dusty muffins and 2062 for candy sticks! That's right they have all day to sit around and make up names for their love muscles. DONE rant. Thanks Brenda, look what you have started!

http://blog.rac.me.uk/2002/12/17/weird-masturbation-euphemisms/

http://blog.rac.me.uk/2002/12/11/weird-male-genitalia/

Brenda said...

Excellent, Charli. There're some really funny ones on that site. So many I haven't heard before.

Charli Mac said...

Sorry Ni, I meant look at what YOU have started!

Emma Paul said...

No worries, I have nooooo Problem sharing responsibility for these..... ; )